Value Airlines

 Years ago I decided flying on commercial planes was too annoying and humiliating to be worth it. What destination was so important that I needed to get there quickly? None. This self-important fantasy is all a grotesque tradition that I no longer wanted to take part in. This delusion that my body needed to be flung across the lower atmosphere by burning 200,000 year old refined algae so I could tell jokes in some other part of the world more rapidly? Insane.

But I have unfortunately entered a realm where air travel makes a little sense so I investigated low fare airlines and discovered they managed to make the flight booking process even more agonizingly humiliating since I last flew in a plane. Amazing. 

I believe these low fare airlines hired engineers to identify any shred of joy remaining in commercial flying and then they assigned that joy a dollar value that you can sell in order to save money but suffer more. I'm even more amazed that consumers have tolerated this madness. Oh, customers whine a great deal, they whine like spoiled children, but that doesn't stop them from flying and selling their joy for $6. I don't like the idea that this kind of chiseling and gouging to make a buck creates a society of bitchy and grumpy assholes, but it sure doesn't help. When you treat people like cows, then eventually they will mooooo. 

The idea that anyone would fly across a continent and simply take a small plastic bag with all their belongings is pretty absurd, yet that is the default position a value airline will begin with. Oh, you are flying 2000 miles away, then let's assume you are carrying a book and a map of the next country you will reach. What?? You mean you are carrying luggage with clothes and a photo album and documents?? Well, in that case we will have to charge you DOUBLE THE PRICE OF YOUR TICKET because that is so unusual. Wait, you mean you are travelling with even more luggage? That means your $45 ticket is suddenly $700 because you are so usual to travel with luggage across a continent.

I congratulate the engineers and CEOs of these low budget bullshit airlines for removing any sense of dignity and pleasure in the experience in return for saving me money. Exceptional work. The booking process is now utterly convoluted that it takes so long to book the flight that the searched fare expires and I must start all over again. 

It's like they visited every Flying J truck stop in the country and noticed that there were ways to gouge people while simultaneously telling them how much they appreciate their business. 

1 slice of pizza for $2.29. But buy 2 slices and you get diabetes for only $3.62. Shit, I'll save a whole dollar if I buy the two slices even though I'm already 100 pounds overweight and the slice itself is worth less than ten cents because it is only flour and preservatives and some pig meat chunks of hoof and ass and chicken beak.

The same unwavering greed led by slick bean counters in sacred aluminum pyramids now dominates commercial air travel and it makes me sick. They want the business of cheap cows and they will continue to treat customers like cheap cows as long as customers tolerate it.